2021 made me feel human
There have been a lot of emotions this year: rage, desperation, joy, longing, pain, disappointment, peace and hope. Despite the pandemic, 2021 was a year that made me feel a lot more human.
On the night of the 01st January, I took my journal to bed and read all my entries of 2021. It’s amazing to me that I have actually filled an entire journal in a year. Normally, I would have two-three years of entries in one journal but I guess, I had a lot to process in the past twelve months. With everything that has been going on, the pandemic, the lockdowns, the COVID-scares… all these emotions and experiences made me feel so alive.
2021 was the year, where I reintroduced myself to myself.
I realized that I have gotten so used to a life of people-pleasing and I was exhausted. I wasn’t quite aware of how much it took a toll on me until I noticed that I’ve lost myself to other people’s opinions, versions and expectations of me. I didn’t quite take care of myself in that sense. I didn’t listen to my soul and its needs. I forgot what it was like to be me.
It took a bend in my health to realize I had to become better, physically and mentally. With my health becoming my top priority, I noticed that I also had to work on how I viewed myself. It’s not only about self-confidence but more on self-acceptance. So, I started to accept my weaknesses and didn’t let them beat me up. I understood that I didn’t have to conform and that my nature isn’t even about conformity. I understood that my journey is different and that that’s okay. I embraced my quirks a little more, I allowed to let my unfiltered-self to come and wild out. I allowed all these good and bad sides of me come into the light. And it felt and feels good. I am happy to be able to carry this with me into the new year.
2021 was the year, where I chose myself without compromises.
There were a lot of ‘no’s that I had to express. I started to understand what served me and what not, what I liked and what I didn’t like, who I wanted to become and what that entailed. I started to learn what boundaries meant and that they are so essential for a healthy mind and soul. So I said no to an unhealthy work environment. I will never forget the words of the flower-guy in the past company who said ‘leave all the good and most importantly bad things here, behind’. And I did. When I left I jumped head-first into uncertainty which I have always feared in the past, yet this time, I gave me the peace I craved. I am well aware that life cannot be perfect and there will always be struggles, no matter what. But nothing is worth compromising your peace and happiness over. And I had to be honest to myself: what serves me and what doesn’t serve me anymore? What am I able to carry and what not? For what do I want to persevere and suck it up for? Some questions are yet to be answered and I am working on it. Ultimately, 2021 was the pivotal year of taking a step towards the life I want to live and allowing to be my fullest self.
2021 gave me space for the arts.
I got back to the arts in 2021. It has been a very healing experience for me to just be able to read, look at art pieces, learn from artists and immerse myself into music. I cannot be more thankful for these divine triggers that have allowed me to get back to what I am passionate about. With music being a big part of the past year, it has allowed me to see things in a deeper way. Find meaning in the small stuff and see God in all these precious moments. These made me happier, made me feel at home. I learned that the way how the arts speak to me so powerfully, it also has the potential to hold that effect on others. So, thank you, Creator Spirit for reminding me and giving me purpose to my creative endeavors.
2021 was the year of tough realizations.
Are you happy now? No.
But I am happier and I’ll take that. I had to relearn what happiness meant and I realized it is a pursuit and not a destination. The most important thing is to live and be aware of the things that make you happy, even for just a moment.
You don’t mean as much to other people as they mean to you — and that’s okay.
It was a healthy year of letting expectations go and moving forward with how things are rather than how they’re supposed to be. I am still battling with this realization now and then but ultimately it’s another step towards growth. The circle has grown smaller but more life-giving and fulfilling. No to insincerity, people-pleasing and pretense.
People will always disappoint — live with it.
Key word “expectations”. All my life I’ve been wired to have high expectations towards life-events, people and most especially myself. Maybe it’s also an INFJ thing, I don’t know. But damn, how much I’ve hurt myself and others due to expectations. From one heartbreak after the other, I slowly realized that people don’t have the same mindset as you, values change and people go about issues differently. And that’s fine. The most important thing is that you don’t bend to conform to their life realities.
Life is short.
With all the losses of the past year, I learned that life is too short to hold on to grudges, too short to drag your dreams into the back and too short to hold yourself back. Just like my Dad said: live life to the fullest.
What now, 2022?
With the losses and the gains of the past year, I’ve decided to put little to no pressures on the ‘this is going to be my year’-mentality. My only wish in 2021 was to be at peace and somewhat happy and by God’s grace that’s how I felt towards the end of the year.
Looking back, there have been things that have changed and also things that have stayed. And based on my journal entries, my hopes and dreams have not changed at all. The Lord knows my heart and its desires and I am excited about how He will work through my life this upcoming year.
Moving on, the one word that I want to be accompanied by this year is ‘confidence’. It’s a very daunting word and somewhat scary. Yet, what it means to me and why I chose this will be a conversation I’ll only have with Jesus. So I’ll try my best to go forth with this mindset in 2022. This year I just want to continue living and exploring and finally use that potential that has been hiding for so long. Finally, making space for everything that I’ve prayed for in 2021.
At last, I want to encourage you too to find your word of the year. Choose and cling on to it with prayers for the rest of the year.
